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Old 12-24-2009, 03:14 PM   eBay Motors  #1 (permalink)
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Talking new jokes

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden
> and a
> Biker are all walking together one
> day.
> They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out
> of it.
> 'I will give each of you one wish, which is
> three wishes in total',
> says the Genie.
> The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son
> will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
> POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the
> land in Canada
> was forever fertile for farming.
> Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall
> around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq
> and Iran
> so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
> can come into our precious land.'
> POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
> there was a huge wall around those countries.
> The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
> Please tell me more about this wall.'
> The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet
> high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in
> or out;
> it's virtually impenetrable.'
> The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a
> beer, lights a cigar,
> smiles and says,
> 'Fill it with water.'
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:15 PM   eBay Motors  #2 (permalink)
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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards though, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!”
Bruce came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned-locked myself to the floor,” she said.
“S ‘truth,” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up, “You’re stuck fast girl! I’ll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate).”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
“No way, we can’t do it,” Cobber said, “so let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B,” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her,” replied Cobber.
“Spot on,” Bruce said, “while you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?,” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”

“No,” Bruce replied, “but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive.”
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:16 PM   eBay Motors  #3 (permalink)
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A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.

"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course.

"I suppose you play golf," says the salesman.

"I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office.

"Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:17 PM   eBay Motors  #4 (permalink)
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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:20 PM   eBay Motors  #5 (permalink)
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:21 PM   eBay Motors  #6 (permalink)
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.


On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.


On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.


On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:21 PM   eBay Motors  #7 (permalink)
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mao
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2005 Silverado 2500HD 4x4, Reg Cab LB, LLY, RED
285/50/20 Nitto 420s, 20x10 Gear Alloy 726MB
Edge Insight, Autometer gauges, 3inch Drop Shackles
3inch boost tubes, Raptor Liftpump, 3inch Profab Ybridge, Arp Headstuds
Billet HTT S366, 45% Injectors, 85% Cp3, Hamilton Valve Springs
LML Manifold, 4" Exhaust, 60" Traction Bars
Blackout Performance Trans with 1058
Tuned and Built by Blackout Performance
630rwhp 1150rwtq 12.0@111
-Jake
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:22 PM   eBay Motors  #8 (permalink)
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Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:23 PM   eBay Motors  #9 (permalink)
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Why did Barb stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it. Report to moderator Logged
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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Old 12-24-2009, 03:24 PM   eBay Motors  #10 (permalink)
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.” "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
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Tom's new truck: red 08 duramax lmm , LTZ, crewcab 3500 4x4, stock for now for towing racecar trailer #10000lb's , spray in liner, has black aftermarket ranchhand cowboy bumper with cowcatcher for that sinister look , matching back bumper, added a toolbox in bed , new lights on push bar , cb chip to come later remember old age isn't for sissies !! never hollar whooaa!! http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m...1/P9150004.jpg www.performancetruckproducts.com www.getsomeperformance.com Husker Diesel - 402-502-6961
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